Far Above Rubies

Someone approached me after a worship service recently and wanted to encourage me about my son’s future. Keep in mind that we do not know each other well, and I was in no way sending signals that I needed her encouragement.

She proceeded to tell me about a special she saw on television the night before about a young man that didn’t seem to understand much but suddenly was able to memorize the phone book. “He really was smart!” she said in amazement. I laughed and asked if this young man had autism. She thought for a moment and said, “Yes, I think that was it.”

“Well, Levi has Down syndrome I told her,” kissing my eighteen-month-old on his forehead. “His IQ is unlikely to be above an 85.”

“Hmm,” she thought. Then she said, “Well, at least he’s cute!” and quickly turned and walked away. I was left standing there wondering if she thought my child had any worth at all.

Although it was an unpleasant moment, I was able to laugh off this conversation quickly because strange comments about my son are not new to me. And, this exchange was not as bad as the time someone told me he would pray for Levi to be healed because he has “the worst disease.”

I steamed after Levi was born and people told me that God chose me to have a child with an intellectual disability because I was so strong and He knew I could handle it. I wondered if those same people would go up to a widow and tell her that God took her husband away because He knew she was strong enough.

So how should we handle situations when we feel insulted or confused by the comments of others? How do we have a godly attitude towards people that hurt our feelings?

Here are a few tips that I hope will help:

Remember that no one is perfect.
Romans 12:3 reads “For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think, but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.”

In the book, Dealing with People You Can't Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst, the author’s point out, “Everybody is somebody’s difficult person at least some of the time.” That means that sometimes, I get on people’s nerves. Sometimes I say things that don’t come out right. Sometimes I am the one people don’t want to be around. When I remember that no one is perfect, including myself, I am a lot less likely to get my feelings hurt.

Give the benefit of the doubt.
Don’t assume people are out to get you, insult you, or deliberately make you upset. Try to think of reasons why a person’s words or actions might hurt you. We often draw conclusions without accurately interpreting the words and actions of others correctly. Step back and look at the situation. Some of the people that want to talk to me about my child have very little knowledge of Down syndrome. The woman at my church was simply trying to encourage me. I do not need to be offended by this elderly woman’s attempt to step out of her comfort zone to give me a boost.

That family that moved to another area of the playground when you arrived may have planned on doing so before you ever even got out of the car. Don’t automatically assume they left to get away from your child. Give them the benefit of the doubt and don’t waste energy being upset about something you’ve determined to be true without fully knowing the intentions of others. And if it seems pretty obvious that someone really did intend to hurt you, give that person the benefit of the doubt anyway. Maybe they don’t love Christ like you do. Say a prayer for them rather than sulking in self-pity.

Use the Q-TIP Approach.
Quit Taking It Personally. Some people are just difficult people. They are the difficult customers in a restaurant. They are the difficult parents at T-ball practice. They are even difficult at work. It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with them. Don’t take it personally.

Focus on you.
It is easy to point fingers and blame others for our negative feelings. When you are faced with a difficult or insensitive person, stop and identify what is really bothering you. I think sometimes we get upset with others for their insensitive words when really it's our attitudes that are the problem. Each of us must choose how we handle life, and a short encounter with another person should not steer us off track. A comment from a stranger shouldn’t make us falter or question our children’s worth.

Be prepared.
Remember that although you can’t control others, you can control how much you let people affect you and how you’ll respond. You may even have some responses prepared ahead of time that you can use. If people constantly give you unwanted advice, “I’ll take that into consideration” is a nice way to answer.

I have a friend with a child that gets stared at when out in public. When people gawk at him, she says, “Isn’t he beautiful? He has made me a better person, and I’m so glad he’s mine.” What an amazing way to refresh her attitude while making others consider their actions!

I know that it isn’t always natural to have a godly heart for people that are insensitive, but these encounters are opportunities for us to grow and show God’s love to others that might forever be changed by our responses.

-April Vernon