I also received the following note privately from a dear young woman who is struggling with needing more intimacy with her husband.
The young woman gave me permission to publish her note in hopes of receiving biblical advice regarding her situation. You can post your advice on my Facebook Page to keep comments in one place. Go here to post a comment.
A classic answer to the question you posted today (what's your biggest struggle as a wife?) seems to be along the lines of "being intimate with my husband when I'm so tired from all the demands of the day." However, in my case, it's exactly the opposite, and has been for almost the entire time we've been married. I am the one wishing we could be intimate more often, and he's the one who is reluctant. I've almost completely quit initiating anything intimate physically, because it hurts worse to feel rejected than it does to deal with craving physical affection/release.
I realized several months ago that I was just adding to my husband's own frustration about it, and have REALLY backed off. We don't discuss the issue any more, and I've pretty much given up thinking anything will change. I try to be content with the times HE initiates and is "in the mood," but the rest of the time I just try to ignore and/or shove aside my own desires. I'm not really sure this response is the most healthy for our relationship either, but I don't know what else to do.
Any recommendations or resources that might help me deal with this struggle in my own head? I've been praying about it, but I don't really see this changing any time soon - if at all.
Thank you, ladies.
this is a difficult position to be in, but most men need to be intimate, they crave it etc....
ReplyDeleteSo this can be a red flag, not all the time for often a reluctance (for men) to be intimate can be relate to a sin (like pornography or extra-marital sex or for some, can't forgive themselves of past sexual sins)
my advice would be to seek counseling and maybe read the book "love must be tough" by James Dobson here is the link http://www.amazon.com/Love-Must-Be-Tough-Marriages/dp/141431745X
Thank you for your courage and your honesty in sharing your struggle
Prayed for you
Love
Renee
I would say to pray about it, fervently take your problems to God. He's the only one who can change another person or situation. I feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteA low sex drive can also be caused by stress or a health problem. Talk together,pray over the situation together.
ReplyDeletePraying for you
Christina
Thank you, thank you, thank you for publishing this. I, too, struggled with this issue for YEARS, beginning with the wedding night! Christian women never talk about it, and whenever I did have the courage to bring it up, they looked at me like I was crazy, then cracked a joke about how lucky I was.
ReplyDeleteMy husband's constant rejection of me (we were having sex reluctantly once a month or less in our early 20s with no children around!) made me feel like the ugliest woman alive. And there was NOTHING online about it, unless his hormone levels were off....and they weren't, we had him checked!
One bit of wisdom I did glean: husbands who reject intimacy most likely have been abused and made to feel that sex is dirty. It took a long time, but I eventually figured out the rejection WASN'T ABOUT ME. It was about his past.
Through a lot of prayer and years and communication, we have come through this. We haven't fully conquered the issue, but we definitely have more sex now, and it's fantastic.
I would love to hear more on this topic, and would love to be a help if possible. I'm posting anonymously for now, however.
I'm not married, so maybe I shouldn't even be commenting here...
ReplyDeleteBut, other than issues with sin- which may or may not have anything to do with it- have ya'll considered the possibility of health problems? Maybe he's not getting enough of some important nutrients, or has a health issue which affects his desire/energy level. Among other things, depression could do that, or so I've read.
I'd also like to add that as his wife, you need to be willing to ask for it every once in a while, so that sexual tempation doesn't have a place to creep in. You don't want to invite problems with that in addition to whatever it is you are currently dealing with.
Paul says that the body of the husband and wife belong to each other because they are united as one being in marriage. The Torah also states that marital rights are that of the wife- she has the right to her husband's intimacy- along with the basic needs of food and shelter. So, while you don't necessarily have to push him, you shouldn't feel guilty about asking him to be intimate with you on occasion. You do have the right to ask.
I hope this is helpful to you.
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ReplyDeleteOh thank goodness! It's not just me! THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing this. I'm so tired of reading the opposite story - of men's powerful sex drive, of wives 'putting up' with their husband's regular advances. I WISH! I love my husband very, very much. He is a godly and God-fearing man who inspires me, challenges me and - amazingly - loves me! He is, however, rubbish at being intimate in any form - verbal or physical. I have to remind him to kiss me every day. EVERY day. It is something we've discussed. He knows it's an issue. We've been praying about it for the whole eleven years we've been married! It is so encouraging to know there are other people out there who identify with this issue. Blessings xxx
ReplyDeleteHello Anonymous. I'm the anonymous who wrote the initial question. And I really need to talk to you, because our stories sound eerily familiar. If you would be open to chatting with me via email, please contact Jasmine with Far Above Rubies and have her give you my contact info. I don't have a local mentor I feel like I can discuss this with, and you're right - there is almost NOTHING online to help with this. Hoping you'll agree to chat with me, but if not, I do understand. :)
ReplyDeleteHello there! Sorry, I've only just seen your message! I've not been ignoring you. I will contact Jasmine shortly x
DeleteHopefully posting here will link to the original author :) I just want to encourage you regarding the suggestions of pornography addiction. My husband confessed his addiction to pornography about a year before we got married. It was a hard time, but also a time of great blessing. If this is a factor, I can only recommend grace. My husband reminds me often that it was the love and grace I extended to him that helped him understand the grace God had for him in the situation - a realisation that freed him from his addiction.
DeleteThat is also something you won't hear from most people - that a man (or woman for that matter) can be totally freed from sexual addictions. One of the most frustrating things was trying to find older Christian men and/or resources that emphasised that fact that God can provide complete freedom. Obviously every persons journey is different, but never underestimate the power of your love, grace and encouragement.
I also (just) posted a recommendation for Restoring the Pleasure by Clifford and Joyce Penner. My mentors marriage was on the brink of collapse three years ago, and that resource is one that helped them restore the sexual intimacy in their marriage to the glory that God intended. (Obviously, God did a lot of work in them too... It was just a helpful resource)
Please know that I will be praying for you!
Much love and blessings x
For this young Lady to share such intimacy issues with you, I'd have to say she's very brave. May she, her husband and their marriage receive many prayers. I'm no expert, but I'd have to say....pray for a protective hedge around both of their minds. Pray that prayer that he be in love with the wife of his youth. It is God's will that men and women marry. It is God's will that the man leave his mother and father, then cleave to his wife. Pray that he cleave to his wife and that both have a right attitude about a godly marriage. Counseling may be in order. Pray that this young Lady have much strength and understanding. Pray that the husband be well and the wife be lovely. Pray for breakthrough and deliverance in Jesus name.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to this couple, but know that God is willing to help them. I'd encourage this Lady to pray scripture over this situation and ask for favor and wisdom.
God bless.
d
My husband and I have been married for nearly 7 years. We were not virgins when we met, but chose to be obedient and abstained until marriage. Well, what a shock when sex never seemed to cross his mind on the honeymoon - I cried a lot that week!
ReplyDeleteThrough means that were totally divine, we discovered quickly via a consultation with an endocrinologist that my husbands pituitary gland was damaged and consequently he had low hormones (The only cause he can come up with is a cuncussion from a skiing accident 10 years earlier.) The hormone deficiency caused low (no) libido, infertility, and a few other issues.
After six months of marriage I decided I needed to basically accept a sexless marriage or divorce, deeming the absenceofintimacy a form of abandonment on his part. I chose to stay. He is my absolute best friend, after all.
Well, It has been an extremely rough road and one of the saddest aspects of my life. We have been to a Christian psychologist, I've tried reading books, but we are an anomaly and trying to fix it seems to only make it more frustrating for me. I can't read Christian books on being a good wife because there is always at least one chapter about our responsibility to be physically available to our husbands and I just get off track and even angry.
Thru hormone replacement, (and Viagra) the Lord has blessed us with two children. Unfortunately, the erectile dysfunction and lack of libido has not yet been healed. But I'm hopeful that the lord will heal and restore someday. I anticipate it become a huge issue again when I'm not up to my eyeballs in Newborn diapers and exhausted from long days with a 3 year old.
It really is one of the emptiest feelings to not be "wanted" by your own husband. I have cried rivers over it. I suggest to anyone in this situation to rule out any medical or mental health issues and if you continue the marriage, pray for protection because the enemy will most likely try to exploit this weakness in your marriage and your unrequited desire for intimacy.
I know of a lady who had a sexless marriage for her first seven years too. It was due to a different problem but her testimony is published in a little book called 'Impenetrable', by Alison Wellby. It's available on Amazon UK. It may help and encourage you. Blessings xxx
DeleteI would encourage you to be strong in this area and don't be afraid to bring it into the light; to talk about it, to seek counseling etc. Yes, it may upset your husband but realize this...you talking about it for the good of your marriage.
ReplyDeleteThere are some areas that should NOT be swept under the rug and this is one of them. Sex bonds you both closer together so if you aren't having it, you are growing more and more apart.
You have marital rights! Yes, we often don't talk about this but you have a right to your husbands body, just as he has a right to yours. You are both not your own...so no matter how painful it may be for both of you, seek out a really qualified sensitive counselor (ask your husband if he wants a man or a woman) and GO!
Bringing it into the light with prayer is also important. Of course, be very very discerning about who you share this with. Some people are not wise!
Jill
I shared this link in the Facebook conversation, but I'll share it here as well for anyone who doesn't click over to read those comments. Annabel at Spice and Love (spiceandlove.wordpress.com) writes a blog dedicated to wives who have a higher sex drive than their husbands. She writes from a very biblical perspective and focuses more on the wife's heart towards her husband rather than what he is not doing. There are a lot of reasons for why men have lower sex drives and it may not be that there is anything actually "wrong" with him;that might just be the way he's made. It's a bit of a stereotype to say that all men must be sex crazed or they are abnormal. Anyway, I would go check out her blog...and I'm sure she'd be more than happy to talk to you personally via email.
ReplyDeleteLow sex-drive for a man is unusual. I agree with what others have said: that it could be a health problem. I also agree with what Renee has said. This could be a red flag that he is getting his satisfaction elsewhere (hopefully this is not the case). But don't shut your eyes on the possibility, and if you discover that it is true, it would be best to deal with the situation instead of sweeping it under the rug (I haven't read the book Renee recommends, but I've heard about it). Accountability for him and safety and healing for you would be important (if the case is unfaithfulness). I prayed for you, too.
ReplyDeleteLadies, thank you so much. My dear young woman would like to chat with anonymous (see comment above), so if you could contact me - I'll try and arrange that you all speak.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you.
Again, thank you for your sensitivity in this matter.
Jasmine
Jasmine, I would be willing to chat with her. I am going on 8 years of marriage learning to work through this issue. simplyhelpinghim@gmail.com
DeleteJasmine, I would be happy to chat with her. I am going on 8 years of marriage learning to work through this issue.
DeleteI have to comment here on this. The same happened to me and it started as soon as we were married. Over the years, (we have been married for 26 years) I grew more resentful and felt unwanted and ugly too. After years of this I did have an affair. Recently, my husband found he has low testerone levels. I would highly encourage you to check into this further before anything happens to your marriage.
ReplyDeleteI too have gone through this and still am battling it after 20 years of marriage. It's so easy to sweep it under the rug, but I also agree. Don't. It is your life that it is important also, and you need to know that you matter. I never went to a counselor about it. I have received counseling for other things but not that, and I am here to say I regret it a lot. I have not had an affair because of it, but Satan has "messed with my head" about it many times. We can try to tell ourselves it's not us, but when they are checked out and found healthy, there is another avenue for Satan to work his way in. Please find someone to talk to, and I would be willing to write you as well as possibly that would be less threatening. Intimacy does not have to start in the bedroom either, and often men do not understand that and tend to give up. I will pray for you. It is a difficult road that many people do not understand until they walk on it. My husband is terrible at it also and I have not said that until reading your concerns. He, however, thinks that our marriage is good and that there are no issues thereby making this worse for me also. I don't want to see anyone go through it like this. Please seek wise counsel and if anyone needed to write, I'm here.
ReplyDeleteBecause of the poor quality of food that we consume, the chemicals in everything we use and all the other unhealthy things we do, nearly 30% of men have a very low sex drive. My husband included.
ReplyDeleteI know what it's like to cry because of feeling ugly or undesirable. I know what it's like to silently fume and rage inside when "good" christian wives talk about "withholding" to teach their man a lesson. I have on more than one occasion had to chose between rudely walking away, or blowing up.
I too, rarely read marriage books because of the hurt and anger I feel when they talk about giving yourself to your man in the bedroom.
But. I have also done research and studied a lot of options, without trying to humiliate my man. Yes, his testosterone levels may be low, but I'm finding more and more about the lack of progesterone in both men and women. I'm still searching this one out more. But there are natural options that don't require humiliation, drugs and doctors.
When you know your "enemy" you will also know how to battle it. So when I feel discouraged and undesirable, I get online and start researching again and it also reaffirms that this is not me. I am how God made me, beautiful inside and out. And so are you!
I also wanted to mention that the young lady is more than welcome to contact me. This is a subject I have been wishing to address on my site, but have been praying for wisdom to share with out humiliating my man.
ReplyDeleteWOW! This is my first time on this website and I think God put this right in front of me. So many interesting comments. Truly said to myself sooooo many times "NO body GETS it!" "No body understands don't even bother!" Ultimately though God did create a woman to enjoy sexual intimacy with her husband I think the deep-rooted hurt in being sexually rejected by your spouse is the emotional & physical rejection, the He doesn't want me, the complete loss of intimacy sexual or not. My husband having no desire to have sexual intimacy with me is so beyond sex! It really exudes a message of "your simply not worth it" and in a world that dominantly portrays a man as a sex-hound you've gotta be such a "nothing" for a man, your own husband to NOT want you!!!!!!(that is so often how it feels)
ReplyDeleteThat hurt and excruciating pain if left unhealed will eventually consume you until you are a seething, a walking, oozing, internally infected, and bitterly angry woman......and who wants to be around that. Where is the glory to God? Remember 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Be joyful ALWAYS..... Sometimes I need to hear that like a thousand times in a day! Overcoming life's challenges is really really HARD but absolutely necessary to live out and exceedingly excellent life in Christ!
Seek out our God fervently, get to fully know who He is and what He is capable of, cling to His word for dear life. Sounds like there are some others here who might understand and can walk with you and encourage you. I know I can never have too much encouragement Satan is always ready and willing to tear me apart!
I would advise that if you do find someone who "understands" and you can share with BE diligent in keeping in check that you both are always encouraging each in the Lord and leading each other closer to Him. We certainly are called to walk with one another just remember not to let someone else walk in-front of God, He ALWAYS must come first!!!!!!!!!!!! I would really enjoy connecting with others and discussing this further. Honestly this is the first time in almost 18years I have heard someone talk about it!
I am only newly married, one month tomorrow, and it's surprised me how much effort we already have to put in to planning our intimate times together. Otherwise we find it is midnight and we're both too tired!
ReplyDeleteI would not pretend to know what you are going through personally, but a close friend and mentor of mine highly recommends "Restoring the Pleasure" by Clifford and Joyce Penner.
I hope it helps :)
Blessings x