Do you ever get tired of trying to control your husband? If so, good. It's not our job to control, but to help. A helper is someone who completes and does not compete with her husband. It is quiet simple really, but we mess it up with our distorted perception of marriage.
I've decided to back off on giving my husband suggestions because I realize it's a subtle way of controlling his decisions. Besides, it is apparent that when I start in with suggestions he gets apprehensive.
Letting go has been liberating. Our marriage is experiencing less tension for one thing, but the most important factor is that I'm not as angry and stressed as I use to be.
I know how hard it is to step back and allow a man to do what he has to do - even if it means that he fails. But if we don't back off - we're going to lose our sanity and marriages.
I'm focused on living a peaceable life working with my hands, taking care of my body and mind, and tending to my children. I no longer spend my days fretting about my husband's decisions. You know what? If my husband's making a mistake or is in sin, all I need to do is get out of the way and let God set him straight.
Leaning into my role completely has allowed me to receive the beauty of womanhood. I love being a woman and I hope it shows in everything I do. It is who I am.
A woman is many things, but here is my definition: She's a helper, a lover, a nurturer, and friend. She's the opposite of man who is wondrously masculine, logical, and aggressive.
Who doesn't want to fit into the skin of a man so comfortable with who he is that it allows a woman to be everything that God created her to be?
I encourage you to take a break and complete your husband instead of competing with him.
It's so much easier.
I am trying very hard to do this very same thing. Thank you for writing about this, I guess it is a struggle a lot of married women have.
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful! Thanks for this reminder. I loved reading it. I will certainly go and apply it. ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you, friend.
DeleteThe struggle, however when we abide by what the Lord designed, us girls, us wives, see a fruitful marriage....OOOOOhhhh, it is a struggle....ohhhhhh so worth it.
ReplyDeleteHi Jasmine, thank you for addressing the issue of controlling your husband. I think that there ARE a lot of women who struggle with this, and unfortunately, are even encouraged by other women and society. I think there are a few things here that should be considered though:
ReplyDelete1) as a "helper", it is your job to suggest. You aren't helping if you are always quiet and don't ever help further develop a thought, idea, or bring up a different viewpoint. If your husband is offended by this, maybe instead of thinking you are wrong to ever suggest something, maybe you should instead look at why he is offended by it. Are you doing it in a way that is demeaning or disrespectful? Does he have emotional wounds from something else that make him feel attacked any time that someone doesn't just agree? Your suggestions should be without nagging, and should always have thought and logic behind them. They should only be given with the intention of helping, never as a manipulation to control. But, yes, you should be able to suggest.
2) When you say that we, as women, are the complete opposite of men, I think some people may take that wrongly to think that we are not then to be logical or ever be aggressive. I think that God did give inherent differences between the sexes, but we are all called to use our brains and to protect others (think of the mothering instinct to protect one's young!). Also, there are some men that are criticized for being "too sensitive" or enjoying "womanly" tasks, and they shouldn't be, just like women shouldn't be criticized if they are good leaders, competitive, or enjoy "manly" tasks such as firefighting (in fact, I dare say that most women by nature are competitive and are good leaders). With anything, our inner abilities/gifts/strengths must be disciplined to be useful to the Kingdom, regardless of what those strengths are or our gender.
I think the bottom line is that it can be easy for some to confuse the line between "helping" and "manipulating". We need to focus on having a good relationship (mutually) with our husband, protecting our marriage, and then being aware of how God would have us influence our lifelong partner. We are given to these men for a reason, as they are to us! God created the partnership of marriage for a reason, and while it is ABUSIVE to attempt to control another person, it is HEALTHY to attempt to help that person through suggestions or respectful discussions. Both men and women are created in the image of God, and God holds the characteristics of both genders.
One good way that I use to help delineate between a "suggestion" or discussion where I may not completely agree with my husband is the "MOMMOM" philosophy...Major On Majors, Minor On Minors. If the issue is a minor one and doesn't REALLY matter, I'll let it go (joyfully! It really doesn't matter!). If it's a major issue, I will respectfully share my thoughts and I expect him to listen and to do the same. The other thing that he and I both really stress to ourselves is that even if an issue seems unimportant to us, if it is important to the other person, then we need to respect that and the person's feelings on it.
I hope my reply was helpful! Thank you again for beginning to tackle this issue as it is very needed. :)
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Hi, thank you so much for your insight. I knew when writing the article that some would have your thoughts, but I decided not to address all these issues in one post.
DeleteI do, however, want to point out that my main job as a helper is not to suggest, but to listen and submit. I may suggest, but then I leave it alone and pray.
As far as gender is concerned, there are distinct differences in men and women (biblically stated) that should be accepted and received. Many are not embracing these differences, but are taking on characteristics that are unbiblical.
Aggression is not a term that defines me, but confidence, strength, and diligence are.
Women are powerful, but not in the way the world assumes. We are powerful when we help, love, and nurture. We strip ourselves of that power when we take on the characteristics of a man by being controlling and demanding.
Some men would prefer that their women control everything - but I've seen these women carry a great burden that was never meant for them to carry.
Logical women are wonderful, but it's not the norm.
I think the bottom line is as you stated - let us not confuse helping and manipulating.
Thank you, again, for sharing your honest opinion. I do enjoy hearing from you.
Jasmine
Very well said. It is a struggle many married women have. I think it comes from the curse in Genesis 3:16, "To the woman He said: “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.” In my studies, I've learned that the "desire" for my husband is the desire to control him and to rule him. It is a sin-nature struggle I know that I've faced in my own marriage. Jasmine, you're right, it is so freeing and liberating to embrace Biblical womanhood.
ReplyDeleteStacie, thank you.
DeleteWhy do you feel that logical women is not the "norm"? And when you say "we strip ourselves of that power when we take on the characteristics of a man by being controlling and demanding," are you saying that being "controlling and demanding" are characteristics of a man? Because I would consider neither to be godly characteristics, and thus would not say that they should be a manly characteristic.
ReplyDeleteLet me answer your questions in order:
ReplyDelete1. It is my experience that most women are emotional by nature. It is not to say that we cannot and never are logical. I'm simply stating - most women tend to rely on their emotions, feelings, and senses - instead of or before logic.
2. Your second question is good and deserves and valid answer. We strip ourselves of power when we take on characteristics of a man (period). You are right - controlling and demanding are not godly characteristics for either man or woman.
Are we clear?
Great post...and right no target! Blessed today by reading it!
ReplyDeleteLaura
Thank you, Laura. Good to hear from you, friend.
DeleteI recently read an article about how wives should let their husbands lead....which seems to me that if you have to LET them lead (i.e. give them permission to lead) YOU are still leading. It is hard to let it go and not nag, etc. It's an on-going daily laying down of yourself....less of me and more of God!
ReplyDeleteI agree that we should not control our husbands, but as a helpmeet it is, most of the time, part of our JOB to suggest things and pray for his discernment,and let him make his own decision having heard the council of his partner. I do not agree with categorizing ANY human mental or emotional characteristic to one sex or the other. Anger is an emotion, men make decisions based on anger all the time! They also accept the worldly advice to "follow your heart" every day. We as women who work either in the workplace or at home must be logical or we would not be able to successfully complete a task! I would agree that we each have different areas that we are more emotional or more logical depending on our temperament , personality, and experience. I only comment here to express my frustration with the blind acceptance of the population that would categorize each sex and, I feel, promote weaknesses as accepted and normal instead of owning up to the responsibility to change those weaknesses. I am not disagreeing with the heart of your post, only with this point, which is a source of irritation for me. Thank you for your heart to help women to realize their position and to embrace it to make their marriages stronger! I believe that we are soooo much happier when we follow the guidelines you have stated here!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment, Moturn. I appreciate your thoughts.
DeleteExcellent post, Jasmine! Letting go and letting the man lead is a hard thing. In fact, letting go and letting God lead is sometimes just as hard. I think women as a whole like to be in control...I know I sure do. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDelete